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Hi Pals,
Do you think this is still relevant it's an old piece from my archives written by one of my mentors whom am proud of... now you know her... she's such a prolific writer full of creative energies...

Fencing Politicians
by Maggie Van Ostrand

The English-speaking people of the world aren't always as smart as, say, Stephen Hawking who writes about cosmic stuff like time, black holes and the universe, but wouldn't you think the people in charge of U.S. security would at least be able to measure distance?

I'm not talking about the distance from earth to the moon or anything hard like that. Just a few feet is all I'm talking about here.

It might startle you to learn that the U.S.-Mexico border fencing fuss has resulted in something so funny that nobody could possibly make it up, not even Dave Barry or Erma Bombeck.

I hope you're sitting because otherwise, you might fall down from laughing as you read on.

It seems that a 1.5 mile barrier along the border has been discovered to have been erected on the wrong side. That's right, you heard me. It was mistakenly built inside Mexico's boundaries instead of on the border.

Embarrassed U.S. border officials aren't sure if it's one foot or maybe it could be six feet inside the Mexican border. For one thing, isn't it about time these officials converted feet into centimeters like the rest of the world so everybody doesn't have to stop what he's doing and look it up?

I just looked it up and what they've done is put the fence from 3.28 meters to as much as 19.69 meters on the wrong side.

You've got to love North Americans. These mistakes are much funnier if you do.

The barrier in question was part of more than 15 miles (that would convert to 24.14 kilometers) of border fence built in the year 2000 (no conversion necessary) stretching from Columbus, New Mexico, to James Johnson's onion farm.

Johnson places the blame for this screw-up on his forefathers who put up a barbed wire fence back in the 19th century and seemingly were unable top draw a straight line between two points. Sure, try telling that to the Mexican farmer on whose land great, great, great, great grandpa stuck his fence a couple of hundred years ago. "It was a mistake," says Johnson. Well, yeah.

Now we have a bunch of bureaucrats on both sides of the border getting into the act. The U.S.A. spokesman for Customs and Border Protection, Michael Friel, said the barrier was "built on what was known to be the international boundary at the time." He acknowledged to Fox News that the method used was "less precise than it is today." Brilliant deduction.

The International Boundary and Water Commission, a joint Mexican-American group that administers the 2,000-mile-long (3,218.68 kilometers) border, said the border has never changed and is marked every few miles by tall concrete or metal markers. I guess Mr. Johnson's great, great, great, great, etc. granddaddy failed to notice them.

According to Fox, Sally Spener, a commission spokeswoman in El Paso said the agency is generally consulted for construction projects to ensure that treaties are followed. The commission is working with the Department of Homeland Security "to develop a standardized protocol" for building fences and barriers.

"We just want to make sure those things are clear now," Spener said. Well, dearie, they aren't clear at all. Nobody knows what you're talking about; even the other bureaucrats are confused.

The super polite Mexican government sent a nice note to the U.S.A. asking for its land to be returned. "Our country will continue insisting for the removal to be done as quickly as possible," said the Foreign Relations Department in its diplomatic missive to Washington.

Mr. Johnson is not happy and said he doesn't understand why the placement of the barriers has become an issue. "The markers are in the right place, and the fence is crooked," Johnson said. Maybe granddaddy was looped that night.

The media is reporting that "the mistake could cost the federal government more than $3 million to fix."

Note that the taxpayer is referred to by the generic title, "the federal government," like the taxpayer can't figure out that it's really him.

All we have to do to get a laugh these days is read the border directives coming out of Washington. And this time, we can measure the laughs in either miles or kilometers.

What more to add to these than to ask for your comments hurry b'cos these piece wont last here!!!

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CIGARS FOR THE JUDGE

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior.
A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.
In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

FISHING LICENSE

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track.
All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell.

The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

JAIL MAIL

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

PIRATE AT A BAR

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,

"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?
The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,

"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"

Hey Pals now am adding more... more jokes, more fun, hilarious read on

CHRISTIAN JOKES

The Computer is Down

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells
St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Star in the East?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete.
Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

Gates in Hell

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God."If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds,
with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice
but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming
amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened.
What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God said, "That was the screen saver".

FUNNY LIMERICKS, short 'n sweet...

There once was a young lady named bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night

There once was an artist named Saint,
Who swallowed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint.

...to be continued.

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DELICACIES
I bring to you sweet smelling fragrances
Of two cups of emotions,
Mixed with two cubes of faith,
Added to two strands of passions
And stirred with the rod of hope
Colored with two pastes of ecstasy,
And lavished with lots happiness.

If these delicacies were to be served
It will surely be on a single plate
With one spoon,
One knife
And one fork for us two.

ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH
Once
I knew the fever
Of your kiss
Gripped and shackled
With firm lips
But once is not enough

Once
I heard the whispers
Of your heart
Felt desire’s
Shattered blast
But once is not enough

Once is not enough
To know your kiss
To taste your lips
Desire’s door

Once is not enough
To share your heart
Confound this blitz
I want you more

IF I WERE
If I were radar
I’d fail tracing the locus
Of your heart in mine

If I were sonar
I won’t be enough to measure
The depth of my affection for you

If I were rainbow
I won’t compare with the colors of
My passions for you

If I were lightning
I’d stoop to the speed
Of my heart-pounds for you

If I were music
I won’t question
Your superior melody

If I were beauty
I’d bow
Each time you smile

If I were Nile
I’d be an inch
If your beauty is in lengths

If I were Everest
I’d be dwarfed
By your aura

If I were 24 karats
I won’t compete
With your purity

If I were pain
I’d be nothing near
What I feel in your absence

If I were death
Even I would admit
My love for you is immortal

If I were love
I’d know with you
I’m not strong enough a feeling

And I were God…
If I were God
I’d make more humans your kind

FOR THY HEART’S SAKE
Guard thy heart oh king, guard it well
Let not thy heart on Haggai’s beauty dwell
For in pretty Haggai, no good you shall find
Beware oh king, beware of her kind

At dawn, in the public her body she bathes
She be no other but Bathsheba the reincarnate
Greater kings have fallen, indeed David did err
So watch not oh king, or thy destruction you stare

Behold not her deceptive smiles
It is just one trick in Haggai’s evil file
Lest she warms her way into your heart
And thy destruction no soon shall start

Look not her way, just be on thy way
For ahead of you, a pit may lay
Else, thy calamity all men shall tell
When thy step you lose and fall into hell

For thy heart, let thy knights guard
Let its walls stand so high
For Cupid might lay its siege for Haggai’s sake
And thy heart, captive Cupid might take

Guard thy heart, oh king, guard it well
Let not thy heart on Haggai’s beauty dwell
Else thy kingdom shall be thrown into gloom
When her way does lead you to doom

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Hi Pals,

U can read Poetic thots, many more comin on this page

ANGEL IN DISGUISE
I have seen guys

More intriguing than dreams

I have seen gals

So boring like some hymns

I’ve seen ladies

More flamboyant than peacocks

I’ve seen faces

More serious than wall clocks

But you’re as much as a gift

As sunshine as rain

Ever ever prayed for

You’re simply a cherub

In the guise of a man

A rugged roadside rose

Admired by all young folks

MY SERENADE
I wish I could sing a lullaby to the moon

And turn love’s night into a joyous noon

I wish the midnight sky could be your face

And I be each star suspended in space

For what good availeth my weary heart

If unfaithful faith keepeth me falsely true?

For I have been divided into two apart

One yours, one mine- that also for you

Wherefore, should this love cause me death

I’m cursed to love thee till my last breath

A LETTER TO DIVA
Oh Diva my precious one

To talk of you is to smile

Not for the joy you brought

But for the pains and hurts you dropped

On my tiny palms

You came singing to my ears

When utmost silence was most cherished

You dwindled my thoughts till I went blank

I decided to play along

But you kept winding and fingering my brains

Perhaps you laughed at me

You left me to play with another

I thought you had gone forever

But you came back to tickle me at my weakest

Crawled and kissed the surface of skin

Shook your butt in the depth of my hair

I tried again to play along

You dribbled me though

But this time I was determined

I tried hard to give you a final touch

Just then I looked at my palms

And discovered the trace of your blood

There you were lying helpless

On my pinky fingers begging to be saved

I gave in to your pleas

Laid you on the edge of a bowl of water

So you could regain your strength

I know you did

I know it made you glad

As I remember you today

Like I always do

I drop this to say

I miss you oh Diva!

ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH

Once
I knew the fever
Of your kiss
Gripped and shackled
With firm lips
But once is not enough

Once
I heard the whispers
Of your heart
Felt desire’s
Shattered blast
But once is not enough

Once is not enough
To know your kiss
To taste your lips
Desire’s door

Once is not enough
To share your heart
Confound this blitz
I want you more

FOR THY HEART’S SAKE
Guard thy heart oh king, guard it well
Let not thy heart on Haggai’s beauty dwell
For in pretty Haggai, no good you shall find
Beware oh king, beware of her kind

At dawn, in the public her body she bathes
She be no other but Bathsheba the reincarnate
Greater kings have fallen, indeed David did err
So watch not oh king, or thy destruction you stare

Behold not her deceptive smiles
It is just one trick in Haggai’s evil file
Lest she warms her way into your heart
And thy destruction no soon shall start

Look not her way, just be on thy way
For ahead of you, a pit may lay
Else, thy calamity all men shall tell
When thy step you lose and fall into hell

For thy heart, let thy knights guard
Let its walls stand so high
For Cupid might lay its siege for Haggai’s sake
And thy heart, captive Cupid might take

Guard thy heart, oh king, guard it well
Let not thy heart on Haggai’s beauty dwell
Else thy kingdom shall be thrown into gloom
When her way does lead you to doom

HOW CAN…?

How can
My wounds heal
When you stabbed me
On my left breast
Left
And left your knife there?

How can I
Live to be eighty
When you returned with hatred
Twisted
Instead
Of ejecting your knife?

Again you left
Unperturbed
Careless and uncaring
Same as at first…
...to be continued.

Edwardz
Please call me on +447045710051 if u care to call make comments and u can also request for your customized poetic thots from me to u no strings attached...

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