Can Dianetics raise the dead?

Ok, I'll get right to the point: I want to raise the dead. Don't ask why (beloved pet spider-monkey "Bumpy the Curious"+ improperly canned cling peaches = wanting to raise the dead). I've tried many methods, but none seem to work that well. Who wants a zombie monkey? Not me.

I had given up. I was lonely. Who could ever take the place of my dancing monkey? Who could ever dance the silly monkey dance that I loved so dearly? I thought and I thought and I thought. It was no use, thinking wasn't the answer. I needed LRH.

Happilly I discovered "Self Analysis" by LRH. Imagine my surprise and excitement as I read page 1.

Self Analysis cannot revive the dead. Self Analysis will not empty insane asylums or stop war. These are the tasks of the Dianetic auditor and the Group Dianetic Technician.

page 1, "Self Analysis" by LRH

Before Bumpy and I locate our nearest Dianetic Auditor, I'd like to ask a few questions. Is LRH really claiming that Dianetics can raise the dead? Is this just some of LRH's patented "humor"? Is LRH saying Dianetics can stop war and help the insane, but not raise the dead? Why does he even mention the raising of the dead? He wasn't hanging out with any practitioners of Black Magic was he? Did he participate in any sex magic rituals? Nahhhh...not LRH.

Can Dianetics whip up a mean Mojo? Bumpy and I hope so.

Stephen Jones